When I'm really mad....or upset......or surprised.....I have gotten into the habit of faux-swearing.....I love our language so much....but, I am really trying to cut out swearing, a bad habit....still, sometimes, I faux-swear by saying..."WHAT THE H???" And seriously, there's been a whole lotta "What the H's" going on the last month or so....but, as will everything...we move forward......no matter what......so I cried a whole lotta tears....I let myself spend a few very devastated days sobbing in bed....then, I decided to just move forward.....as joyfully as possible. Because, I am a yellow, and I love fun........
Don't you love it when you find dorky self-portraits?
Ok so back to my dang friggin' day of huge disappointment *&#^*#&^@*%#@ (does that count as swearing?)
You see....a month or so ago, I was getting ready to make a fabulous post, an announcement of sorts, of something that I thought was going to happen.....regarding home.
......I came home from CHA to a sign on the door of our rental home...letting us know that the owner had not been paying the mortgage and that we had a short time to get out and find somewhere else to live....because the home was going back to the bank to be auctioned...
When you see a view like this...it can't be good...
BUT!!!..... the MOST INCREDIBLE thing was in the works....something I was not expecting when the possibility showed up last Fall...something that was a solution to all of it.....and also the most beautiful turn of events...it felt like it, anyway.
I was ready to blog all about it...because it was JUST about to happen....and I wanted to go on and on and on about all that I had learned about HOME while we hadn't had a real one, how it is wherever you make it......but ending with the announcement that our family is moving back to our beloved farm....because...it almost happened.
I don't want to go into the details....but it involved someone very wonderful who did everything they could....it was in the works for months and months and months and it seemed like a miracle in the making...and I was absolutely, positively sure it was going to happen. I put it onto my dream board, I prayed and meditated about it....I had faith....but my prayers and my meditations and my wishes-on-stars always ended it with "if this is the right thing for our family"....I even photoshopped a current photo of our family in front of the house and I looked at it every day.
I don't know why that looks all smooshed and stretched...but, whatever.......you get the point...it was photoshopped and I was really, truly sure that this whole thing was gonna happen.
There was a closing date. It was incredibly close to the day that we were getting evicted from our rental because THAT house was going into auction. It seemed so serendipitous.
Then we got a call.
It fell through.
And..............I had this overwhelming feeling of peace at first (what the H?)
After about 6 hours, it hit me. The whole devastation thing. Like a death...a real, true death. I had to get over it. I decided I wasn't gonna resist it..............my sweet honey knew for sure I was gonna be devastated.........but he was good. He has learned from his life-changing health ordeal to just be patient, to just trust......I was a little more set on all of this.......when we finally talked about it that night.....I just started to cry. He just held me. He just kept saying....."it's just a house, babe.....it's not us....we will find another home"
Still.....I WANTED THIS SO BADLY! I wanted to blog about it! I wanted to be there again! I wanted to renovate it again....I wanted a Fairy Tale ending.
Miraculously, we found a place to go. A really great place. With all of our friends and family.....we cleaned up both the house we moved out of and the house we were moving into. We packed and moved......
We decided that no matter how temporary THIS house is, that we will make it a home. No more putting life on hold and living out of boxe. We spent a few days making it feel that way...making it pretty.....I LOVE IT HERE. From the minute we walked in, it has felt good and wonderful and our family so happy here. We turned most of the garage into a studio for me, and there's plenty of room for all of us..and a huge kitchen where we have been cooking together like crazy. We have already had several get-togethers and will have more this weekend. Life feels really good.
I am not sure what that whole experience was all about. When I think too hard about it, I still have to refrain from swearing a little....that was a tough one.
But that experience DID get that whole dream out of my system. It really did. I used to drive by the farm and could never NOT cry when I saw it. I used to think we could never be as happy anywhere else. I have been keeping all of my favorite things in boxes, refusing to settle into a home because that was the only one I wanted.
It almost happened and then it blew to bits. And I really really think I am finally ready to let it go. I don't know what happened but I REALLY AM.
Because I feel more at HOME in this temporary place we are now than I have in I don't know how long. For real, I really do. And you know how...you what WHAT it is.....
A DECISION....just a decision. A decision to make the most of it. To make it a home......to let it be home...to fill it with love and trust and happiness and dreams and people and smells of homecooked food and special things that I finally pulled out of boxes.
So, I guess I have finally learned what home is after all. It is wherever we make it...it is wherever MARQ and our children are....it is wherever we find ourselves all together with those we love and what we love. It can really be anywhere. Right now it is HERE. And HERE, NOW....this day, this moment...it's a very wonderful place to be. And wherever we end up will be just as good.
OK...now that I am over my mourning period...I can't wait to blog about Brave Girl Camp and Artfest...coming next...YAYYY!!!!!!!!!