I have about a million things to say...I am awake, my soul I mean....and it feels good. I thought I would never wake up and have all of these words in my head again...I have to admit that I was afraid that life would not come back to life...but it always does. Over the last few months, I have felt confused and sort of lost...boggled, really. I know it's been just a phase, a part of massive change and transition, a season...winter, to be exact....a season change that I could stop just as easily as I could stop the clouds from being in the sky....that was a long winter....BUT... Spring is here so now I can look back and see things I couldn't see when I was SO boggled.
And that's exactly how I would explain it...just like the boggle game. I would lovingly tell anyone that you better be really careful to think and then say out loud that you have life figured out....because once you feel like you do, it's probably time to stretch and grow again....and just as soon as you have all of the words put together...and you have the whole boggle puzzle mastered....LIFE SHAKES YOU UP and gives you a whole new set of letters to make sense of. Know what I mean? I have to tell you that I am so thankful that it does...I mean, I can say that now, cautiously...life is just so funny and interesting and scary and wonderful and 100% with a huge purpose. Not always fun, though...and rarely easy.
A few weeks ago, a month ago...if I would have tried to write, or call you on the phone, or just have a simple conversation...which I love doing....but somehow lost that part of me for a bit...so wierd...we could talk and you would be intelligent and ask me some kind of intelligent question and I would look at my boggle game and say "Prsof corte cluef?" and inside I would be saying "AAAHHHGGRRRHH!!!" because I used to know all of the words! I remember a month or so ago looking at my own blog, reading my archives and honestly thinking "Who in the world wrote this stuff? Where is she?" I would search my heart to find words like that again and all that would come out was pain and "Egted obigo etroc!!!" but I said it with enthusiasm..in between the crying fits, that is. My body and my mind and my soul went into a forced freeze...after those years of taking care of my husband, and all of the trickle-down effect of diluting every single thing I was doing in my life for so long because of over-scheduling, over-expecting of myself and dealing with lots of painful disappointments. Once I found all of the letters for FAITH and TRUTH and MERCY and HOPE and HAPPY and SMART and CLEAR....suddenly I found myself upside down and side to side and round and round and shook and shook and shook and when the dust cleared, those words were gone...I remembered them, but couldn't find them....I was FOSRP, STNER, FEULC and MANIU...who wants to be that? What is that anyway? Hmmmmm?
Well, the greatest thing happened. I came across my old journal, from a few years ago when I felt like I finally really had things together...and I wanted to write down what I had been doing to feel like I was on top of things...and I FOUND THAT GIRL I WAS LOOKING FOR!!! THAT IS WHY IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO KEEP A JOURNAL. I have been praying for direction, to make sense of this shake-up, to get back to a place where I feel like I can move forward.....we are all so frail, so weak and fragile. I never would or could have admitted that until now....I thought life was all about constant progression....and I still think that, but sometimes it's 2 steps forward and 1 step back...I don't know why...I could guess....maybe because sometimes we have to relearn, or pick up things that we passed by the first time around...BUT...WHAT DO I KNOW? I do know that we are all here for something very special, custom designed for each of us...and God is so loving and merciful that if we are on the wrong track, if the wrong people are in our life, if we are headed in the wrong direction, sometimes He just rips us quick and swift off of the path we are on and puts us on another....and it makes us dizzy and it shakes up our letters....
And what I shouldn't be surprised about, but I am...is that I found this boggle picture...shown above, on the internet just before I started this post...I just wanted a nice illustration....but, I've been sitting here staring at it and little miraculous words are popping out....
REST (that's there twice)
FOG (did you see that, Rhonda?)
All of those words mean something to me right now, I love how God works!.....so, there you have it. Maybe I am not just a silly CLUEF....and, just like you...I'm gonna keep trying to figure out this crazy life we are all here to live....whether you are in a place in your life where all of the words line up and make sense...or you just got a new set of letters like me...we will continue to figure this out, just stay in the lighted parts of the trail....life is big....and we gotta always remember the meaning behind it...and always support each other...show each other words that maybe we don't or she doesn't see herself....and, always ask God, He always answers in some really wonderful way if we are listening and watching close enough.
When I get to the office I'll post that journal entry I told you about. I am so thankful for it. I am so thankful that for all of the years that I have been preaching about keeping a journal, that I have this huge personal testimony of how it can change and improve and make all the difference in the world in your life.
Have an awesome day....
You are loved and cared about and thought about every day....
Thanks for the letters and emails, especially those of you who sent letters and packages to my friends, Brandon and Tamara...I am taking a drive up the mountain to see them and I'll hand deliver what you sent. ALSO...I keep forgetting to tell you! Everyone keeps asking....MARQ iS DOING GREAT! Still not 100% (still easily tired) but so much better every single day. He is leading and directing Chatterbox with me again, everyone is so happy to have him back in the office. The kids are doing awesome too...Brock and I are both licensed drivers now! Thanks for your love and prayers.