I am sharing with you one of the illustrations that I am creating for an upcoming book....I have been thinking about this all weekend as I enjoyed a relaxing little trip with my family and thought deeply about life.......
The Trail of Light I See…
I see the world in pictures in my mind, I always have…it’s always how I’ve made sense of things, or tried to anyway. Sometimes I can explain what I see in words, and sometimes I just have to sketch it out…..this trail of light is a recurring dream that I keep having…and, as personal as it is, I still wanted to put in on paper…part pictures, part words….to deeply explain something important to someone, to lots of someones who I love very very much…..
There’s so much I’ve learned over the last couple of years about the nature of darkness and light…’bad’ and ‘good’….what happens when you surrender your life to one or the other…because there’s absolutely a choice between the two that has to be made every single day. And that’s really what I am talking about…choice….the massive, enormous gift that we have to choose every day….before I go any further I am going to state a bit of a disclaimer…there are times in life that seem to take our choice away…I am thinking particularly of depression and grieving…processes that sort of take over and have a life of their own…one a sickness, another a built-in mechanism to help us through very difficult times in our life…..so, if you know someone dealing with one of these two situations….please keep them in mind when I am talking about the trail of light and the dark guckpit that surrounds it on both sides, because anyone who suffers with depression or who is grieving a loss needs you to hold their hand and show them the way back to this trail.
Most of us have a choice, though, thankfully, to have whatever kind of day…whatever kind of minute we want to have, those minutes and days turn into what kind of life we ultimately have….where we want to walk, what we want to surround us….one calls softly to us and the other yanks at us, yells at us, tricks us and traps us once we get there….one casts a glow, no matter how far we get into the guckpit…you can always see that trail of light, welcoming you…one mocks you, gets darker and deeper and more scary….there’s so much of it, too….so much of it, that guckpit is everywhere you look…everywhere….it seems like it must absolutely be the best place to be because there’s way more of it than there is of trail of light…..it SEEMS that way…but it’s not. The trail of light is from the same light that illuminates the sky….it flows into it, it is SO much bigger than the darkness….the only reason you can even see the realities of what the darkness holds is because the light is always shining on it…were it not for the trail of light, the darkness could continue to hide it’s ugliness….you would never be able to find your way out of it.
The darkness is so tricky.
It sucks-you-in then leaves you to find your way alone, you can almost hear it laughing at your tears after it lied and told you that you’d find whatever you want there, that every happiness in the world is there…
I had an epiphany last year. I kept having dreams about this illuminated trail, and I would constantly try to figure out what it was representing. Finally, I woke up one morning knowing what it meant…it was the only way to real happiness…but that I had to choose every day where I would walk, no matter how hard my life was…no matter how much I felt like I could not control my circumstances. At this time in my life, my husband had spent nearly a year out of my life, in bed and out-of-it in a completely different personality than the man I married, while recovering from his brain injury, I was struggling with running my business and keeping my children safe and happy, I had every manner of vulture show up in my life and betray and hurt me…I wanted desperately to get out of the unhappiness and fear that I felt….I wanted to trust again, I wanted to trust God again. I wanted to feel warm light instead of damp, cold darkness.
I kept having a dream that someone was holding my hand on this trail, and waiting patiently for me to get back on it when I walked off of it…and that every time I was there, I was happy and confident and fearless and illuminated and at peace….and that getting back on that trail was as easy as making a choice…making right choices every time I had to make a choice kept me on this trail…willfully making wrong choices led me into the darkness, where I felt empty and scared and hopeless….this is how I got through the caring of my husband while he was in his worst stages of head injury….terrible anger, depression, irrational behavior and no real loving feelings for me despite how much love I was showering on him….this is how I got through and have gotten through some very ugly and painful betrayals…by choosing to walk on an illuminated trail rather than choosing the cold darkness of anger, bitterness and shame. Let me tell you, there were days when the darkness sucked me in, there still are…I still get angry and jealous and feel like a failure and feel very alone…I still make selfish decisions and get sucked into the media & society’s judgement of how I should live my life…and I make huge mistakes…but all it has ever taken is a choice to get back to the light that I can see illuminating, even if just a tiny flicker….the light always welcomes us back no matter how long it’s been…always…the darkness always mocks us, especially when we are living in the light…once we’re in the darkness, it might seduce us to get us in a little further, but it will laugh so much harder when we feel trapped in it.
We are never trapped, though.
I hope you will always choose to walk where you will be TRULY happy. I hope that you will never believe the lie that you can never change, that life will never get better, that you are not loved beyond description that there is always hope, that something useful can come from every difficulty, that YOU HAVE THE CHOICE to make it a light-filled day….that SOMEONE NEEDS YOU RIGHT NOW to show them the way back to real happiness.
It’s Sunday, so I can get away with this kind of stuff, right? I just spent the weekend in the mountains and it always brings this out in me. There’s so much good in the world, let’s focus on it and grow it bigger and stay away from the guckpit.
Have a great week!
Lots of Love